32. Being Sick
Whether it’s a cold, bronchitis, a fever, a sinus infection, or just good old fashioned cramps with diarrhea, one thing is certain: being sick sucks.
Plus, beyond the scope of basic physical pain or discomfort, being sick is annoying for these reasons:
1. When you’re sick at home, there is never anything good to watch on TV
When you’re incapacitated and home bound by illness, your options for home entertainment always seem worse. The soaps, talk shows, judge shows, news shows, and Cheaters re-runs all fail to satisfy. Whether this is caused by cabin fever or how the discomfort of your actual ailment precludes enjoyment of everything, is unknown.
Still, one thing is known. That is, when you are afflicted with nausea, the chills, and a stomach ache, watching obese, toothless Rednecks brutally slap-fighting on Jerry Springer will not ease your suffering. What makes this annoying is that even though you shake your head at the sadness of it all, you find it impossible to change the channel.
Worse, watching Rachel Ray make Seafood Risotto (the extra clammy recipe), might make you hungry for something you lack the energy and will to make. Or, the cooking segment may land you back on the toilet – head down, clutching your wastebasket while anticipating another dual-ended explosion.
What’s also annoying about this situation is that while you feel (and look, sadly) like an overstuffed cannoli getting hammer-fisted, it is at that time that you will miss your TiVo subscription the most. Why? Because after cleaning up, you dread going back to the couch to watch yet another boring daytime show that makes you wish you powered through and went to work anyways.
2. You may become obsessed with trying to figure out how you got sick
While sick, you may often hear from others that there is a silver lining in all of your suffering. That is, you will often hear how “your body is telling you something” and “it’s a good thing because now you’ll rest and take care of yourself like you needed to in the first place.”
Now, while hearing this information is slightly annoying, what’s more frustrating is trying to figure out what your body is “telling” you. Perhaps your frequent bathroom visits mean that your body is trying to tell you that the All You Can Eat Carnitas night at Pancho’s Mexican Buffet was not a good idea.
Worse, while obsessing about the origins of your illness, you may even assume that your symptoms are part of something even more dire. For example, while you are suffering from aches, pains, and the chills, you may automatically assume you contracted H1N1 when you failed to wash your hands after a recent airport visit.
When this happens, your mind may wander toward images of your funeral – with your friends and family weeping at the sight of your disease-ravaged remains. If this happens, it is recommended that you acknowledge the real source of your various maladies.
That is, your mind and body are really hurting because you just spent three days in Las Vegas – where you were sleep and food deprived after wasting all of your money on hookers, cocaine, and Pai Gow Poker in the first 48 hours.*
3. Being sick provides a convenient excuse for a wide variety of obligations
For even the most minor of afflictions, habituation will eventually make the physical symptoms bearable. What’s more curious is how you may become so accustomed to the symptoms, their sudden absence may actually provide discomfort. For instance, if you have the hiccups for a long enough time, you may have a strange feeling in your chest when the hiccups eventually cease.
The same principal can apply to an extended illness that you have been milking as an excuse during its run. That is, once your cold or flu symptoms clear up, you may be expected to resume “normal” behaviors that you previously did not want to do.
Examples of the behaviors include eating properly, exercising, or sleeping in the same bed as a long-term partner who has trapped you in a loveless union. Once you are well, your vacation from responsibility ends and you are expected to participate in society like a normal person.
If you come to enjoy the trappings of being sick and having nothing expected of you, it is perfectly acceptable to fake illness as long as you need to. This is especially true if you hate your job, have abandoned even attempting to recall what your goals and dreams are, or your partner has enrolled you both in ballroom dancing classes.
Just remember to say “Sorry honey…” <cough, sniffle sniffle, cough> “…I wish I could go but you want me to get better, don’t you??”
*Note: The author of this blog has no direct experience with this type of condition. He has only heard what it’s like to lose everything (e.g., money, shelter, self-respect) in Vegas for the pursuit of a temporary thrill.
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