31. Facebook

Despite its undisputed dominance as the most popular social networking site on the planet, Facebook is still highly annoying for these reasons:

1. You may receive friend requests from people who are not your “friends” in real life

No, you haven’t seen Danny Rogers or Sarah Kesselman since the tenth grade, but they have already friended you on Facebook. Sure, you can accept their request, but when a few whatcha up to? messages go no where, you may be bothered with having them on your friend’s list at all.

Your annoyance comes due to the fact that you really couldn’t recognize them in a crowd and you are all very different people in your adult years. You may also be bothered because Sarah Kesselman transformed from a chunky, sarcastic bookworm into a size two bombshell who married an orthopedic surgeon (who pulls down ten times what you do).

No, it’s not too late to tell Danny Rogers that as freshmen, when he took you to Pizza Hut, Miss Saigon, and Six Flags Great America all in one week, you thought he was just being nice.

Just remember to let him down easily when he later  invites you to watch him play Ethel Merman in his drag queen review at the Baton Club – followed by “drinks and whatever <wink, wink>” back at his place (as he coyly suggests).

2. Boring updates can make you hate your Facebook friends

One great key to avoid being boring is to never speak unless what you are saying is funny, interesting, or informative. Unfortunately, on Facebook, these rules often go right out the window.

This is especially difficult when Facebook friends who give annoying updates are real friends, family, or coworkers. That is, you might be upset when your Aunt Susan’s feed status mentions, “Poor Patches has worms for the second time this year. Back to the vet AGAIN! Argh!”

Of course, your first reaction to this update may be to comment back by saying, “Aunt Suze, no one cares about your fucking cat unless he can play piano, tap dance, or walk on water. Get a life, bitch.” This type of response is not encouraged unless the cat actually has the ability to do any of these things and you are simply helping the animal live up to its potential.

Also, it is recommended that you do not comment back with any swipes against her advanced size, her pointless hobby of collecting Hummel figurines, or her insipid rants about how most of the other women at her Weight Watchers meetings are “total haters.”

More importantly, you should avoid reminding her that all of the above caused her third husband to leave her for a man he met in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist.

3. The site encourages stalkerish behavior

In the pre-cyberspace era, a spurned lover or friend had to be content with the old stalker staples of driving by the person’s house repeatedly, wistfully visiting old, familiar haunts, or good ole fashioned drunk dialing.

However, in the era of Google or Facebook, it is very easy to type in an old flame’s name and just hit Enter as a start to your twisted, unhealthy journey into obsession. What makes this so easy is that you can do this sort of thing at home, at work, or from your smart phone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

On the receiving end, even if you’re unattractive, you may have to fend off numerous friend requests from individuals you were nice to at some point but didn’t like in that way. These requests may come with offers to “grab dinner, catch up on old times,” or  “go out for a few drinks and a few laughs.”

These requests may come from someone in your recent past or distant past. No matter what though, they all have this one thing in common: none of these people are particularly interesting and the thought of being with them in a physical way makes your skin crawl.

Note: Unwelcomed advances on Facebook should be dealt with firmly and directly lest a potential stalker think he or she has a chance with you.

Of course, if you are the pursuer, always remind yourself that your obsessive checking of someone’s update page (and their friends’ update pages) is all in good fun. If you are a woman, do not second guess yourself when tagging your beloved’s photos with hilarious captions such as “If I can’t have you, no one will” or “You’ll all be sorry one day.”

This is especially important when tagging photos of him with other women during happier times – before he forced you into such psychotic behavior (that is SO totally out of character for you).

Remember, it’s his fault you’re acting this way…

Posted by Jimmy