29. Quotes and Sayings

One great way to communicate a piece of popular wisdom or a belief is through an old saying or quotes. The compact nature of quotes and sayings makes them a convenient way to deliver a message, even if the saying doesn’t necessarily fit the occasion.

Of course, it was Voltaire who said, “a witty saying proves nothing,” which points out the idea that just because something rings true does not make it so.

Additionally, these types of sayings are annoying for the following reasons:

1. Most people are wise on a level that is inversely proportionate to how many wise sayings they drop in conversation

One benefit of using common sayings in certain situations is that it frees you from having to do any real thinking about what is truly happening. More importantly, sparingly using old sayings can make you seem educated and smart.

Or, to look really deep, simply have the confidence to announce to everyone, “I don’t know the answer. I don’t know what’s right.” This ole chestnut will have you looking like an enlightened bodhisattva in the tradition of the quote “follow the man who seeks the truth and run from the man who claims to have found it.”

Of course, it can be highly annoying when someone of questionable mental capacity rattles off saying after saying. The reason this is annoying is because they are not engaging in any real thought. They are simply relying on confident delivery of common phrases that may or may not be applicable to the situation.

This is especially frustrating when your simple-minded friend Ernie drops these three old sayings in less than five minutes:

“The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.”

“The early bird catches the worm.”

“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

Old Ernie’s words are even less comforting given their context. That is, hearing them as you’re soaping up in your first group shower – while doing hard time in the hoosegow – is not fun.

These phrases are little consolation for the anxiety you feel inside when Gangster Disciples Trey and Demetrius leer at you with the same wanton expression a pedophile wears at a Jonas Brothers concert.

2. Some quotes and sayings can guide people in the wrong direction

One large problem with certain quotes and sayings is that they provide false hope. For example, even though Oprah Winfrey advises “Do what you love to do and the money will follow,” this may not work for everyone.

Sure, maybe if what you love to do is something that has value, you may see a monetary reward down the road. However, if your life’s passion involves napping, watching old episodes of The A-Team, or eating raw cookie dough, it may be hard to monetize those activities.

More importantly, if your life’s passion involves hard liquor, cocaine, and strippers, your cash situation may move in the wrong direction.

Note: If you end up strung out and living in a rat-infested flophouse with a half-Thai exotic dancer named Kiki, don’t count on Oprah to come and rescue you.

3. Some sayings are just wrong

One of the most well-known Alfred (Lord) Tennyson sayings is the following:

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.”

Now, even though the author of this poem excerpt is an old, dead British guy, it is not necessarily true for all cases. More importantly, the sentiment assigns no value to the receipt of love. As such, perhaps the quote should have read as follows:

“‘Tis better to have loved and been loved back

Than to have loved and been rejected and forced

to resort to what some smaller minds would refer

to as ’stalkerish’ behavior.”

Of course, the individual who might relate to this variation could also inspire a slightly different rendition as follows:

“Tis better to have loved and been told

‘I don’t like you in that way, but we can be friends’

Unless thou art breaking into my Facebook account

and grilling me about texts from other women on my iPhone.”

Sadly, Lord Tennyson’s original words become even more annoying and irrelevant when compared to this more realistic variation:

“Tis better to not buy Appletinis for lonely

Redheads at 2 A.M. who confuse a night of passion

for something special

Mainly because you told

her so due to severe ale goggles

But like SO totally regret it the next day

when you tell her she has a ’so so’ face

and she keys your Honda and shows up

to your work and makes a major fucking scene. Shit.”

- Jimmy (not Lord) Nickel, 2010

Posted by Jimmy