28. Depressing Music

Music has the power to set or inspire a mood for any number of settings. Whether it is a celebration or a more laid-back get-together, the right music can enhance any occasion.

However, certain pieces of music can provide the perfect soundtrack to someone who is down in the dumps.

While it is unknown whether or not depressing music helps or hurts a deflated emotional state, it is still annoying for these reasons:

1. Songs about death are sobering reminders of your own mortality

Whether it’s My Immortal (Evanescence), Candle In The Wind (Elton John), or Tears In Heaven (Eric Clapton), the message is always the same. That is, death sucks.

What makes these songs particularly annoying is how they drone on about how great the dead person was in life and how sad it is that they are gone. In reality, the pain of losing a loved one is so visceral and soul-jarring that it simply does not need to be recounted in lyrics and melody.

More importantly, there are very few songs that have the opposite goal of those mentioned above (there should be more). That is, rather than lamenting a lost loved one, there should be more happy songs that pray for the swift, violent end to people who deserve it.

People in this category include those who abuse animals or children, terrorists, and fans of the music of Clay Aiken (a.k.a. “Claymates.” These people must be stopped).

2. Certain songs can trick you into thinking that there is still hope after a break up

While many may argue that “break-up” songs can help soothe a wounded heart after a split, most invite the opposite effect. Most songs of lost or complicated love simply inspire continued introspection when a relationship hits rockier roads or a dead-end. Worse, these types of songs have you thinking too much about the person that you are trying to get over.

Also, some songs can inspire feelings of false hope. For example, the song Against All Odds (Phil Collins) makes it almost seem like a reconcilation is possible – even though the chances are “against all odds.” This song is particularly awful because the catchy melody and heartfelt vocals could actually have you convinced that the person you lost was someone special.

For example, perhaps you are a lovesick man whose insides are churning over the loss of your special lady. Now, by listening to Against All Odds, you may secretly long for a reunion with your former lover.  Because of Phil Collin’s melancholic crooning, you actually may believe that you can get her back after she tires of her career as an interracial bukakke film star and truck stop hooker.

In this case, it is highly recommended that you turn off the music and focus on those negative aspects of your lost love that you will not miss. That is, you will miss her less if you think about how she was not a good listener, had no sense of humor, and could be a real Debbie Downer at times.

It also helps to remember how she sold your flat screen TV to fund a drug-fueled sex party with your best friend while you were working overtime to help pay her tuition for beauty school.

No matter what, do not listen to Phil Collins or you’ll go back to thinking you still have a chance with this precious gem of a woman.

3. Certain songs can almost make you enjoy your state of depression

The popular songs Hurt (Nine Inch Nails), or Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley), and Angel (Sarah McLachlan) all have one thing in common. That is, they can almost make depression seem cool.

The subtle message of all of these songs is the idea that you are not the only person in the world who suffers. Without these types of songs, you may have the tendency to take some personal responsibility for the thoughts and actions that led you to such a dark place.

However, with depressing music, you are reminded that brooding on the futility of your own existence makes you a hip, misunderstood loner. While this type of adolescent pouting generally ceases after high school, you can still justify occasional bouts during adulthood while listening to Everybody Hurts (R.E.M.) on a rainy day.

This dynamic becomes particularly annoying when basic depression supersedes its role as an affliction and becomes a hobby (or for some, a way of life). More importantly, you become annoying to other people if you are acting like an EMO kid (and you’re out of high school) or milking people for sympathy when they ask, “Hey, is everything okay with you??”

Note: In the case that someone asks if everything is “okay” with you, it is recommended that you offer an honest answer. That is, unless you are coping with some recent tragedy or some major health issue, you are actually okay.

Of course, if you cannot quickly identify the reason for your malaise, it is recommended that you do not drag down the mood of others. Take off your “Life Has No Meaning” t-shirt, count your blessings, and cheer the fuck up.

And another thing, stop acting like the characters from the Twilight movie series are real (you people know who you are).

Posted by Jimmy