27. Sleep Troubles

One of life’s great pleasures involves laying down in your bed after a long, tiring day. Another of life’s pleasures is to stay in your bed just a little too long on the weekends (just because you can).

Still, the rejuvenating process of nightly sleep is generally flanked or invaded by several annoying elements. These elements are as follows:

1. The # 1 thought that prevents you from falling asleep is usually the idea that you can’t fall asleep

Whether you are thinking about problems related to money, health, family, relationships, or your own lack of personal happiness, one thing is certain. That is, worrying about any of these items during bedtime will prevent you from sleeping.

Of course, as the minutes and hours tick by, you may become increasingly agitated over the prospect of facing tomorrow with an ever-dwindling amount of sleep. Acknowledgment of this idea can cause a stress reaction in the body – leading to an increased heart rate, shallow and quick breathing, and an overall state of restlessness.

If this occurs, it is highly recommended that do your best to divert attention away from the negative stimulus that is keeping you up. For example, if you are worried about dying alone because all of your dating prospects fail to impress, it is highly recommended that you watch Sex and the City (for women) or Entourage (for men). These programs will occupy your mind in a way that reminds you that the world is full of possibilities for love and excitement.

Of course, it is also recommended that you do not stay up all night watching any television show. If this occurs, you may suffer the worst symptoms of sleep deprivation such as forgetfulness, spotty vision, hallucinations, mild dementia, and looking like utter shit.

Over time, these symptoms will lead to failing mental health, failing relationships, and a short-lived career (no matter what your profession may be). Fortunately, when you are sick, broke, and alone, your mind will no longer be pre-occupied with silly worries over not snagging enough Z’s.

In this case, you simply have to wait for the fuzzy slumber that comes after you eat Thorazine-laced applesauce inside your cozy, padded asylum cell.

2. The transition from being in a restful slumber to being up, alert, and active can be highly stressful

Going from a state of unconsciousness to one of being conscious is highly taxing on your central nervous system. This is especially true if you have things to do in the morning and you are not a “morning person.”

In the first hour after awakening, you may have a tendency to hate everyone and everything. Again, these aggressive thoughts and over-reactions to the most minor of stimuli are not based on any rational thought pattern. They are based on your mind’s inability to cope with anything before your mind is properly “warmed up.”

Upon waking, if a man asks his partner if she wants crepes or pancakes for breakfast, she may respond enthusiastically if she is up and awake. However, if she is still groggy, she may have an altogether different reaction. That is, she may snap at him or wonder what it would be like to beat him to death with a rusty hammer.

Of course, if both you and your significant other are suffering from a case of the “morning grumps,” it is highly recommended that you both avoid interaction for the first hour after waking. By avoiding each other, you will easily side step any arguments regarding hair left in the sink, who snored more last night, or whose turn it is to do the dishes from the night before.

Most importantly, you will avoid the inevitable blame game surrounding each others’ bad morning attitude. This blame game involves ripping on each others’ favorite late night shows (His = Entourage, Hers = Sex and the City) and slamming each other for not getting more sleep.

3. You may have dreams that lead you to believe you are losing your mind

While many books claim to interpret dreams of all sorts, one thing is certain. That is, the weirder your dream, the more likely you are to ask yourself, “Am I losing my mind?”

Perhaps you have a dream one night that your are camping in a beautiful, moonlit forest setting. The embers of a once-roaring fire crackle and pop against the backdrop of the greater symphony of nightsounds filling the woods.

Then, you notice the faint silhouette of a mama grizzly bear and her cubs. Your heart starts to pump harder out of fear until out from the shadows emerges a troupe of clowns. Yes clowns!

Oddly enough, the clowns and the bears begin to dance and sing together in Disney movie-like unison. Their rousing number has you tapping your foot until the music abruptly stops – after which the mama bear tells her cubs, “Yo! Let’s kill these bitches…”

While other clowns howl in agony as they are being devoured alive, one clown pleads, “For the love of God! I have a wife and kids!” Sadly, mama grizzly pulls his rainbow wig covered head from his torso with the same ease as a gardener plucks a beetroot from soggy earth.

Now, upon waking from this horrific nightmare (or similar), it is highly recommended that you do not share the details of your dream with anyone. If you do, they will secretly think you are bat shit crazy or super weird. Rather, it is very important to speak one mantra over and over again until you actually believe it yourself.

That mantra is as follows: I am not fucked up.

Posted by Jimmy