26. Infomercials

Whether they’re selling exercise equipment, cooking appliances, car wax, “oldies” music collections, or miracle wrinkle serums, infomercials have a unique way of capturing our attention and curiosity.

Still, these same infomercials are annoying for the following reasons:

1. Most infomercials over exaggerate the problem they wish to solve

One large part of the traditional sales process is to establish a need for the product in the customer’s mind. For most infomercials, this is usually done with a short, sepia-toned “dramatization” clip. These types of clips usually show someone at their wit’s end – fumbling around in an unenlightened state of confusion and anger.

For instance, in the Magic Bullet blender commercial, you may see a flustered mother struggling to prepare dinner for her family. In this spot, pots are boiling over, food is burning in the oven, and she frantically throws her hands up as her hubbie and kids shoot angry stares her way.

The reason this is annoying is because it does not represent reality. First, making a meal is not that hard. Second, many modern mothers really could care less if their husband or kids eat healthy, home cooked meals. Most overworked, over-extended Soccer moms would simply call Domino’s pizza in a pinch.

Or, the wife may just explode on the husband about how she deals with kids all day long and that he just comes home, flops on the couch, and tunes everyone out. The husband may fire back by saying that this is not the life he hoped for and “maybe it’s just time we pulled the plug on this busted train-wreck we call a marriage.”

In this case, the Magic Bullet blender can do nothing to salvage a couple teetering on the brink of divorce (but it does make smoothies, chicken salad, and beet soup in under 30 seconds).

2. Most infomercial hosts and guests have an unnatural enthusiasm for the product

One highly irritating element of infomercials is the reaction of the hosts or guests when experiencing the benefits of a particular product. While someone erupting in a seemingly spontaneous fit of joy is possible after using a ShamWow to clean up a spilled Coke, it’s not natural. More importantly, all of this is insulting to your intelligence.

Also, for those giving testimonials, they may speak of a particular product with the same level of enthusiasm they would for a cancer cure or the discovery of a green, renewable energy source. Sure, Billy Mays (R.I.P.) may give you whiter clothes with OxiClean, but that’s all. OxiClean will not make you rich, smarter, or give you the ability to travel through time and space with your thoughts (despite the reactions of OxiClean users who act like it does).

Worse, those TV spots that push food preparation products provide the biggest affront to the viewer’s intelligence. The worst offender in this category is the infomercial for the Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie. When tasting a small amount of roasted meat, one woman reacts as if she just won the lottery, main-lined some uncut Black Tar heroin, and had an earth-shattering G-spot orgasm all at the same time.

While your right brain accepts the possibility that she might really enjoy the morsel of food, your left brain is thinking, “Calm down lady. It’s just a fucking rib roast.”

3. By the end of the infomercial, you kind of want to buy what they are selling

Perhaps the worst feature of infomercials is the insidious nature of their sales pitch. Their process of creating a need (identifying the problem), providing a solution, adding value, building anticipation, and then using carefully-worded price closes, makes some products tough to resist.

At the start of a typical 30 minute late-night advert, you may be thinking, “Great, another bunch of idiots pushing more junk nobody needs. Let’s see what this is all about…”

At the end of the spot you may be thinking, “Wait, I get two for the price of one AND the bonus items too?! Well, I can always return it if I don’t like it.”

Now, while the occasional As Seen On TV! purchase is fine, over time, you may be highly annoyed by the fact that you want these infomercial items more and more. This can be especially problematic when you realize that your Slap Chop, Aqua Globes, Mighty Putty, Magic Jack, Designer Snuggie, Emory Cat, Bedazzler, Ped Egg, Ab Circle Pro, and recurring subscription for ProActiv acne treatment fails to add meaning and purpose to your life.

At that moment, you may feel empty inside, but later on you may conclude that you are just physically tired and even out of shape.

Luckily, with the help of Dual Action Cleanse and the Total Gym (thanks Chuck and Christie), vim and vigor is just around the corner.  But wait, there’s more!!!

Posted by Jimmy