25. Unsolicited Advice

When faced with a dilemma or problem, it is common to seek out the help of a professional or trusted colleague or friend.

However, when “solutions” are thrust upon you, a dynamic can occur that is more irritating than the problem you are trying to fix.

More specifically, unsolicited advice is annoying for these reasons:

1. People who push advice on you only wish to guide you in a direction that makes them feel better

Very often, people will confidently and convincingly deliver advice that suits them but not you. In fact, a typical Buttinsky will generally precede their wise words with “Well, if I were you, this is what I’d do…”

Now the advice they offer may actually be helpful if this is a person who you admire and respect. The advice may be extremely helpful if this is a person whose life you wish to emulate (because they have walked the path you now wish to follow).

However, if the advising person is the antithesis of all that you are and want to be, it is perfectly okay to ignore them. The reason for this is that these types will only advise you in a way that makes them feel better about their own shitty, uninspired lives.

Here are some examples that fall into this category:

- Getting workout or diet advice from from someone who makes a “zipping” noise while walking in corduroy pants

- Getting dating advice from someone who is in a loving, committed relationship with a partner who is ugly

- Getting financial or career advice from a guy who is blowing you for $6 and a sandwich

2. People who push advice are usually not as smart as they think they are

Some people who freely offer advice to others do not have the immediate need of truly wanting to help. Rather, their immediate need is to come across as wise or intelligent – offering a series of misguided fixes for problems about which they know nothing.

This need to showcase one’s intelligence is rampant in these two groups: Dumb people and the highly intelligent and/or educated know-it-all group.

In the case of big fat dummies, insecurity drives the impulse to push their opinions on others. For the smarties, their drive to advise others comes from a bloated ego that makes them believe that they know what’s right in ALL areas of life.

When encountering either of these types – who speak their words only to hear the sound of their own voice – hitting with a “low blow” can be an excellent time management tool.

For example, maybe you are enjoying a refreshing Stella Artois at the bar and some bespectacled beer snob tries to school you on how you’re overpaying for your trendy selection. He insists that you try his favorite, undiscovered micro-brew so you can save a couple bucks.

If this happens, it’s perfectly okay to respond with any of the following:

- “Stella’s for yuppies? Well, at least it don’t make my breath smell like cigs and skunk dick. Back up champ, you’re makin’ my eyes water.”

- “Okay professor, you win! By the way, not counting the Statue of Liberty, have you EVER actually been inside of a woman?!”

- “YOU know beer? I can see you knowing about computers, cheesy fries, World of Warcraft, loneliness, and never really fitting in anywhere, but beer? That’s more subjective.”

3. Some people who push advice are convinced they are helping (even when they are not helping)

The worst type of scenario involving unsolicited advice usually occurs when people tell you things “for your own good.”

These sorts of conversations usually involve heavy proselytizing toward a new health fad, religion, or worse, switching to Apple computers. What makes things so irritating is that one party is pushing more than advice. They are pushing their ideals, beliefs, and their whole way of life on you. This is not a bad thing, per se.  However, the delivery of their message is usually carries the implication that your whole way of living is wrong.

Of course, when encountering someone who wants to push their way of life on you, your first reaction may be to become highly irritated. However, it is highly recommended that you use these opportunities for fun and entertainment.

Here is one sample way to entertain yourself around a do-gooder:

(single) Woman to an Avon Representative: “Wow, I just love your Smooth Minerals line of powdered make-up! I just wish my hubbie didn’t give me a Smackerooni every time I buy something without his permission.”

Avon Rep: “He hits you?! Good God. How can you live like that?”

Woman: “Easy. Just learn to duck, bob, and weave!” <mimics boxing moves and chuckles>

Avon Rep: “This is heartbreaking. I saw the same type of thing on a Lifetime special once and let me tell you…”

Woman: <interrupts> “Oh, Hank won’t let me watch Lifetime. He caught me once and got so mad he put me through a wall, but I don’t blame him. I blame the meth.”

Avon Rep: <eyebrows pointing to heaven> “This is so tragic. I think you need to see a counselor or at least call the police. This is no way to live!”

Woman: <somber>: “You’re so right. So right. This HAS to stop. <very seriously> This has to end tonight. He needs to die. You can’t sell me some duct tape, plastic sheeting, and maybe a shovel, can ya?”

Avon Rep: <moves toward door>: “I gotta go…”

Woman: “Wait! You don’t have to pull the trigger or nothin’! I’ll do that. Just help me wrap him up like a little burrito and we’ll dump him out at the lake!”

Avon Rep promptly exits. Peels rubber out of the driver. Never returns.

Posted by Jimmy