24. Health Clubs

It is no big secret that regular exercise is one key contributor toward looking and feeling better.

However, as you work to improve your physical fitness, you are brutally aware that most health clubs are annoying for the following reasons:

1. Seeing others who are in superior shape to you can demotivate you

In today’s modern society, the bar for what is considered physically beautiful is higher than ever. If you are a woman who is not tall, thin, and in possession of large, perfectly symmetrical breasts, you may feel less than when comparing yourself to professionally airbrushed fashion or fitness magazine models.

If you are a man who does not have a V-shaped upper torso, six-pack abs, or tight, sculpted glutes, you may feel less than when comparing yourself to the roided-out gym junkies who grace the cover of any Men’s lifestyle magazine.

However, these feelings of inadequacy can multiply when encountering real examples of people who exhibit near-perfect physical perfection. When faced with this situation, it is perfectly acceptable to treat your feelings of insecurity by crafting a story to rationalize the profound gap between your shape and theirs.

For example, if you are a man of humble physical stature, it’s okay to assume that any guy with a statuesque physique is “on the juice.” It’s also okay to assume that the same built, cut-up guy is vigorously working out to make up for a lack of intelligence, personality, or financial success.

If you are a woman who is in average or below-average shape, it’s perfectly fine to assume that the living Barbie you see has “had work done” or is either an anorexic or a bulimic. In some cases, you may also assume that she is a “stuck up, looks-obsessed bitch who doesn’t know how to keep a good man.”

Note: Whether or not any of your assumptions are based in fact is irrelevant as long as they prevent your sloppy, huffing-and-puffing ass from slinking back to the change room after a piss-poor attempt at working out.

2. Seeing others who are in inferior shape to you can demotivate you

One big challenge in improving your physical shape is staying motivated. Pushing yourself can be especially difficult when encountering individuals who make you think, “Wow. I know I’m not perfect, but at least I don’t look like THAT!”

This type of dynamic can occur when seeing someone in much worse shape than you performing at such a low level, you unconsciously lower the intensity of your workout as well. For example, when on a treadmill, if someone nearby moves like a sad, starving brontosaurus lumbering toward extinction, you may follow suit. Plus, you may even change your thought patterns from those of healthy thoughts to those of cheeze pizza, Ovaltine, and Oreo cookies (mimicking those of the sweat-soaked SeaWorld escapee two treadmills over).

When faced with this type of challenge, it is highly recommended that you do not make eye contact with or get to know the offending party in any way (important!).

For men, this can be difficult – especially when seeing another man who is painfully skinny and weak. When this occurs, the man may adopt a smug, self-assured facial expression while thinking, “I could totally kick this guy’s ass in a fight.” As the fitter man, this mindset can also ruin your motivation if the lanky object of your scorn is highly intelligent, wildy charismatic, and makes more money in one month than you make in a year. Therefore, you should try your best to avoid conversation of any kind (lest the humbling truth come crashing down on your oversized head).

If you are a woman who is running on a treadmill with the ferocity of a greyhound hopped up on meth, talking to slow walkers should be avoided. This rule applies especially to women who are in below average shape or “thick.” If you make the mistake of talking to these types of women, you may discover that they are kind-hearted, sweet individuals who are also wonderful listeners.

This is a problem because you will neglect your workout while opening up to them about your painful breast augmentation surgery, shopping addiction, and dangerous habit of constantly skipping meals. Worse, you may abandon your workout altogether when exiting to the ladies room to vomit up the two Triscuit crackers you had for lunch (while wondering why men consistently use you for sex but never commit on any level).

3. The bad habits of other health club guests can ruin your workout

While your initial enthusiasm to get in a good workout may be high, the bad gym habits of other members may drag you down.

First, when doing circuit training, if certain members leave a warm sheen of sweat on the machine, you may find yourself gagging before even knocking out a single rep. Their lack of consideration in spraying and wiping down the machine can slow you down and also pose certain health concerns as well.

In this case, it is recommended that you avoid confronting them about the disgusting puddle they left on the leg raise machine. Simply take comfort in the fact that they most likely have a disgusting car, disgusting house, and a disgusting personal odor that will ultimately leave them old and alone (and disgusting).

Second, certain gyms may have members (usually male) who are excessively vocal when “maxing out.” In some cases, a thick-necked gym rat may explode with a thunderous series of grunts that exceed the decibel count of those he would make if sodomized with the business-end of a Louisville Slugger.

In this case, it is highly recommended that you do not try any funny gags as a means to silence his guttural outbursts. While it would be hilarious to gingerly tea-bag him during his final reps on bench this type of maneuver may end in your violent death. Worse, he may enjoy it and insist that you join him out for an evening of sushi and musical theater.

Third, unnecessary nudity in locker rooms can make you physically ill. For women, the sight of floppy breasts, jungle crotch, and hanging pooches from naked female guests who are “cool with their bodies” can induce nausea and vertigo. For men, the sight of unexpected old man balls can produce a similarly negative effect.

The physical maladies that come from witnessing these items are caused primarily by your gut level aversion to the aesthetics of their indecent exposure. Also, in the back of your mind, you may worry that you will look the same many years from now. The truth is, you will look like them someday.

Still, it is quite acceptable to view this type of situation as a learning experience. Just remember to remind yourself that when you are old, gray, and saggy, you need to cover up your nasty ass in the locker room. Seriously. Cover that mess up! You’re making people sick…

Posted by Jimmy