23. Soccer

Despite its standing as the most popular sport in the world, soccer is still annoying for these reasons:

1. Soccer is a distinctly un-American sport

Although loved world-wide, the sport of soccer does not sing to the average American sports fan’s demographic.

First, many American sports fans are fat and cannot identify with the toned and lean physiques of professional soccer players. Unlike NFL football, pro golf, or bowling – where a pot belly presents no obstacle to competitive greatness – players in U.S. and Euro soccer clubs must remain slender. This physical requirement is needed for the soccer players to be able to run up and down the field for 90 minutes or so and not score any points.

Second, the lack of frequent scoring denies most Americans’ need for instant gratification. In basketball, American football, and even baseball, the efforts of the players can readily be seen. Players can advance with points, base hits, yardage, etc..

However, in soccer, an entire game can be played with few or no points scored whatsoever. While many European soccer fans claim that the near misses in an average game are what make the game exciting, the average American cannot relate. It is this exact impatient attitude that has spawned such classics as microwave french fries, beer bongs, and Viagra – all distinctly American items that scream, “I don’t care if it might kill me, as long as I don’t have to wait.”

Finally, Americans are too timid to do battle for their home team. In other countries, fans are so passionate about their local teams, they are sometimes even willing to exchange blows, knife strikes, or even gunfire with the visiting teams’ fans. It is this kind of dedicated passion for the sport that is lacking in stateside franchises.

If the owners of the L.A. Galaxy gave away shivs, Billy Clubs, or long swords emblazoned with their team logo, perhaps they could broaden their fan base. That is, the ensuing carnage and mayhem of a rumble with the fans of the San Jose Earthquakes would give both clubs much-needed publicity and media exposure (assuming the fans attending were as violent and reckless as European hooligans and not your typical sober, peace-loving, West Coast pussies).

2. The rules regarding yellow cards and red cards preclude some of the most exciting parts of the game

With the issuance of warning (yellow) cards and eject (red) cards, referees can ruin some of the funnest parts of a game. Rough play, slide tackle fouls, and fist fighting are all examples of reasons why a referee would pull these cards.

Unfortunately, most referees are not attuned to the needs of the fans, but rather, more preoccupied with keeping the players “safe.” For example, in the 2006 FIFA World Cup final, French player Zinedine Zidane gave Italian center Marco Materazzi a hilarious head butt to the sternum – after which Zidane was ejected from the game.

Now, if National Hockey League rules applied, these two players could have easily slugged out their differences and entertained the crowd at the same time. Better yet, if prison rules applied, perhaps one of these pros would have dislodged a booty-stashed shank and cut the other into ribbons. Then, in an homage to ancient Rome, the victor could ask the bloodthirsty crowd for a thumbs up or thumbs down live/die decision.

Sadly, this type of spectacle is never seen due to the efforts of the referees and all of their silly rules. Additionally, the mere threat of a red card prevents a lot of on-field hijinks that would otherwise entertain spectators. Examples of these hijinks include physical attacks, verbal attacks, and doing “gay stuff” to distract the other team during a penalty kick.

3. Youth soccer is overly-Democratic

In professional team sports, the most gifted players are often the ones leading the charge toward victory. In the spirit of winning, other players on the team may work only to support the star forward, running back, quarterback, or similar.

However, youth soccer coaches are often forced to exact self-defeating measures to make sure everyone on the team gets a fair chance to play or participate. This is especially true in extra-curricular teams where the parents of the young players may complain to the coach if their son or daughter gets very little ball time. That is, having an obnoxious, overbearing parent on the side lines of a game can turn a coach into more of a carnival ride worker – functioning only to make sure every one gets a turn.

Ironically, the end result is less-exciting matches and mounting losses for the youth team. This dynamic actually works against the reasons why the parent enrolled their child in the league in the first place (i.e., to learn teamwork and have increased self-esteem).

Therefore, if you are a coach in this situation, it is highly recommended that you find the three best players and be sure that they are the only ones who go near the ball. All of the other less talented players should form a line in front of the goal and stay there. With this strategy, the team will win more and everyone will benefit.

Plus, if an angry, annoying player’s Mom berates the coach because no one passes the ball to her dear little Johnny, the coach will not be tempted to respond with, “No one is passing to him because he is an asthmatic, klutzy little chubster who runs like a girl. And oh yeah, no one likes him. Now, go wait out in your mini-van, you crazy, over-protective bitch.”

Posted by Jimmy