22. Awkward Dinner Outings

Dining out with friends or family can be an enjoyable occasion where laughter and conversation play against the backdrop of good food, good drink, and good atmosphere.

However, with strangers, old friends with whom who now have nothing in common, or work associates, dining out can take a strained, wrong turn right into Awkwardsville. More specifically, these types of dinner outings are annoying for the following reasons:

1. Realizing you have nothing in common during appetizers can ruin an otherwise good main course

While waiting in anticipation for your Japanese Hamachi with Toasted Wild Rice, Braised Oxtail & Pomegranate, you may be enjoying an appetizer of Chilean Sea Bass Cartoccio or perhaps, a simple Dragon roll. Unfortunately, while trying to savor these highly-nuanced opening act vittles, one or more of your guests may choose to regale you with details from their boring, unextraordinary lives.

Perhaps an old chum from high school is telling you how her infant son threw up six times in one day – until she finally found the right Gerber’s baby food flavor that wouldn’t make Junior have a “cute little yack attack.” While this story takes ten grueling minutes she also works in details about her struggles related to other expulsions from every other orifice in her little bundle’s body.

Now, even though you have neither the ability (nor desire) to relate to this story, it is recommended that you simply nod along, smile, and forget the fact that you dread the rest of the evening. This may be difficult because irritation with another’s existence has a ruinous effect on your appetite. That is, in this case, you would probably be happier with a cold McDonald’s Happy Meal served with a heaping helping of Shut The Fuck Up.

2. Alcohol fails to lighten the mood and actually invites the opposite effect

One common tactic during uncomfortable dinner outings is to use alcohol to help certain people “loosen up.” Employing booze as a social lubricant can work well if the parties involved like each other already or have the potential to like each other.

However, when some dinner guests overindulge in drinks, they may have the tendency to force other light drinkers or non-drinkers to follow suit. This creates an irritating dynamic whereby the lighter drinkers give in to peer pressure but secretly resent being forced to do something against their will.

Those forced to drink may even draw conclusions about the heavier drinkers’ lives – assuming that their relationship, career, or health problems all go back to early-stage alcoholism caused by low self-esteem. Conversely, the heavier drinkers’ may believe that the non or light drinkers are all “just a bunch of uptight pussies who need a drink or ten just to have something resembling fun for the first time in their pathetic, horrible lives.”

In both cases, the assumptions are usually correct. Unfortunately, toward the meal’s end, the social tension may actually be greater because everyone is brutally aware that over-indulging in food and drink failed to make anyone relate to each other in a positive, rewarding way.

Ironically, it is at the meal’s end when everyone has the most in common (but still can’t relate). That is, by the night’s end everyone is exactly the same – buzzed, bloated, and bitter.

3. Fumbling around to split the tab only underscores the fact that the evening was a total waste

Elements of a bad dining out experience include (but are not limited to) the following: Disjointed conversation, multiple awkward silences, the presence of poor table manners by certain individuals, having to censor yourself in conversation to avoid offending anyone, room gazing (during awkward silences – done to desperately scour the landscape for some topic to fill the empty silence), and complicated bill-splitting.

The worst of these elements may be the moment when the group must divvy up the tab. This can be a harrowing and tangled trek that involves coordinating egos and incomes of varying sizes. During this time, one party may inform the group that he is on a budget after being recently laid off in the current global recession. His suggestion to divide up the tab equally may be very difficult for you to accept – especially when you are inches from asking, “Downsized? Seriously? Did you think about that when you ordered that bottle of Chateau Margeaux and a fucking 2 lb. lobster tail appetizer?”

Most annoying is the debate over the proper tip for the wait staff. While Budget Boy drones on about how 15% is “standard,” you may wish to make a case for 20% – stating that this is the new standard for reasonable or good service. Others may chime in and the ensuing debate only serves to re-enforce party lines that had been previously drawn throughout the night. At this time, you can be no more certain about your mental list entitled Who Hates Who.

When splitting the bill, it is advisable to remain silent and chip in based on the last person’s advice. This will help smooth things for a swift exit and also prevent you from announcing to the group, “Well, you guys figure it out. In the meanwhile, I’ll be in the ladies room French kissing a .38 Special and trying to pretend this whole night was just a bad dream or something…”

Posted by Jimmy