21. Obligatory Family Gatherings

Nothing can be more heart-warming than celebrating an important occasion or holiday in the company of close friends and family. These few-times-a-year gatherings can be a great place to re-connect, catch up on what’s new and exciting, or just reminisce about happy times from the past.

Unfortunately, familiarity can often breed contempt and over-exposure to relatives can be highly annoying for the following reasons:

1. You are not enthusiastic about the event you are celebrating

Whether it’s a birthday party, a summer holiday party, or a religious/seasonal holiday, you may find yourself dreading the occasion many days in advance of attending. The reason for this is that you don’t fully understand or appreciate the reason for the occasion.

For instance, when attending a “graduation” party for a niece or nephew who has climbed and conquered that summit known as the 8th grade, you may scoff at the idea of such a celebration. While congratulating him or her, you may have a tendency to think, “Who the hell doesn’t complete the 8th grade and why am I even here?”

Even if the child is semi-retarded, it is recommended that you do not verbalize such thoughts. Rather, greet them with “How’s my little Stephen Hawking?!” as they blow spit bubbles while giving you bug-eyed stares through Coke-bottle glasses. With this maneuver, you are simply maintaining the family tradition of exalting mediocrity in a child’s formative years – only to have their hopes and dreams dashed on the shores of their lackluster adult reality. This may seem wrong at first, but remember, if it was good enough for you, it’s good enough for them.

2. During times of bad weather, you are trapped indoors

At no time is this condition more devastating than during the winter months – where Christmas and Hanukkah force you to stay inside for hours on end. During these holidays, snow and sleet are a huge deterrent to your scheme to leave early for some (made-up) emergency at home. Also, the inclement weather outside can even stifle your post-mental-breakdown instinct to just drop everything, go outside and run away while yelling, “I can’t take it anymore. I hate you all!”

Of course, after many hours of listening to your overly-sauced uncle ranting about politics, your aunts working overtime at their kitchen-based gossip mill, or any black sheep family member griping about how messed up they are, you may consider some extreme exit strategies. Perhaps you may ponder the load-bearing capacity of a nearby ceiling fan fixture – from which you wish to hang yourself as someone attempts to rally the group in a rousing version of Jingle Bells.

In this case, it is highly recommended you do not follow through with your initial wish since there are much better swift exit alternatives. For instance, by donning a full Santa Claus costume then head-firsting it down the chimney, you will expire with some modicum of respect. That is, the whole gang will be saddened by your demise, but impressed by your attempt to get into the Christmas spirit with such a jolly act.

Of course, while any young children witnessing your subsequent extraction will be scarred for life, they will at least learn that Santa is not real and the holidays are more about giving than receiving. However, this beautiful gift of spiritual awareness can be instantly ruined if you Sharpied the words, “See you in hell, Mom. LOL.” on your face (not recommended).

3. Family time can be a sobering reminder of your own tarnished genetic legacy

While you have taken time from your busy schedule trying to “be somebody,” forced time with the family can make you question yourself. Seeing bald, bloated, and wrinkled family members can make you wonder what you’ll look like when you’re much older. Witnessing family members half-heartedly trying to inspire merriment, to overcompensate for their own humdrum or troubled existence, can make you wonder if you’ll end up the same way one day.

Of course, the answer to all of these questions is no, you will not end up like them. Your future is yet to be determined and while the tendency to be annoyed by the failures or great successes of family members exists, you write your own destiny.

Therefore, it is recommended that you remember that no matter how irritated you are by your family members’ character or actions, that will not be you. You may be someone great some day. Or, you may end up a rank, toothless hobo who gives hand jobs for crack money.

Worse, you may end up in a festive, cable-knit Cosby sweater, serving Wassail to ungrateful kids and grandkids who complain about how much the holidays suck. This situation is particularly annoying because when it occurs, no matter how hard you try, you have no adequate response whatsoever.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Posted by Jimmy